Wake-Up Call for Husbands and Wives

A friend of mine posted these articles on Facebook and I thought they have some good points. I have a lot to work on to be the best wife I can be to my wonderful J.D. I am posting this here because I think it will be something that I will want to refer to later and I want to have easy access to them and I want to share these ideas with people I care about...those that read my blog...there are at least a few that I know of.

The articles are written by a husband and wife team, Gary & Joy Lundberg

A Wake-Up Call for Husbands

Just a quick excerpt from the article. *Click the link above to read the whole article*

It is vital that husbands become aware of what matters most to their wives. In fact, what matters most to her must be top on the list of what matters most to you. If you love and adore her, then let her know by your actions. Do not diminish what is important to her. If you can’t figure out what matters to her then ask her. As you pay attention to this, showing honor to her, she will return the love and will, likewise, adore you. What matters to you will then become vitally important to what matters to her.A man can get very comfortable treating his wife like a servant, expecting her to do everything around the home, or at least most of it, without lifting a hand. This will boil inside of her and eventually erupt, sometimes beyond repair.

Ask Yourself

Here are a few questions to ask yourself and act...

• Do I come home after work and plop down in a chair with the TV remote in hand?

• Do I kiss my wife in an affectionate way when I come home from work and ask what I can do to help?

• Do I give the kids a quick hug and then send them off to their mother when they need some help?

• Do I take care of my own clothes by hanging them up, putting dirty ones in the hamper, including my dirty socks?

• Do I help with the laundry?

• Do I tell my wife how much I appreciate her and all she does?

• Do I get specific in my compliments to her, such as “Thanks for making this delicious beef stroganoff. You know how much I like it. It was really good. Thank you so much.”

• Do I help clean up after dinner and help wash the dishes?

• Do I help fix meals? (Particularly important if both of you are employed)

• Do I really listen and act on what she wants, or do I ignore it?

• Do I keep my promises to her?

• Do I take her on a weekly date?

• Am I honest with my wife?

• Do I speak to her respectfully, never in a demeaning or insulting way?

• Do I kneel and pray with her and tell the Lord how thankful I am for her?

• Do I look after her when she’s ill?

• Am I completely faithful to my wife?

A Wake-Up Call for Wives
It’s now time for the wives wake-up call.

A reader by the name of Bruce summed up our intent perfectly in this comment: “Marriage, like almost everything of importance takes maintenance. It is far easier to maintain and enrich your present relationship (if you haven't messed it up already) than to establish a new one. Besides, if you don't change, the new relationship will not last either. The fun things that brought you together can keep you together.”

Joseph F. Smith’s counsel to wives, after giving counsel to husbands, is as true today as it was then. “The wife, also should treat the husband with the greatest respect and courtesy. Her words to him should not be keen and cutting and sarcastic. She should not pass slurs or insinuations at him. She should not nag him. She should not try to arouse his anger or make things unpleasant about the home. The wife should be a joy to her husband, and she should live and conduct herself at home so the home will be the most joyous, the most blessed place on earth to her husband. This should be the condition of the husband, wife, the father and the mother, within the sacred precinct of that holy place, the home.” (Gospel Doctrine, 283–84)

Tips for Wives

• Give him time to unwind.

When wives pay attention to their husbands needs, he will be more inclined to pay attention to hers. Find out what your husband needs and wants by simply asking him.

• If something continually bothers you, let him know

Don’t let it build up and then explode, or end it with divorce papers. If something is wrong, let him know. This is most effective when done out of the heat of the moment. Always being kind and respectful, not hateful in your response.

• Listen to him

Many women complain that their husbands just don’t talk much. There are a couple of reasons for this. One is that, generally speaking, men aren’t as inclined to talk as women are. They’re just made that way. However, they would talk more if their wives would really listen.

• Let your husband know how much you love and appreciate him.

We must remember “what is good for the goose is good for the gander.” Both husband and wife deserve kindness and respect.

Now on a much more positive note, a Relief Society president from California, wrote the following: “I think most of what you said in the husband article applies to wives. Many times we don't tell our husbands how much we appreciate them. Often they feel they can't do enough to please us and that we are never satisfied. I think it is critical to keep your relationship alive and growing. It is important to keep your romance and courtship going. You need to flirt with your husband, make him feel desirable and let him know how much you appreciate him.

• Be sexually willing and responsive

President Spencer W. Kimball said, “There are many aspects to love in marriage, and sex is an important one. Just as married partners are not for others they are for each other.” (Miracle of Forgiveness, p. 73)

• Put the needs of your home and family first

Some of the men who wrote us expressed frustration at the way their wives were neglecting their responsibilities at home. Some reported that their wives spent hours on the computer social networking with friends, ignoring the house completely.

This letter gives you a flavor of the frustration some husbands are feeling. Another man wrote us telling of the neglect he received from his wife. Without going into all the details he shared, we’ll quote his final statement: “I see so many of the young women of the Church growing up believing that some prince charming will see to all their needs and they won't be expected to do anything that requires effort or that may make them feel the slightest bit ‘uncomfortable.’ Yes, they are daughters of a king and they are princesses, destined to become queens. And, we were all sent here to work and to sacrifice and to take up our crosses and follow our Savior. That requires at least occasional discomfort, even for the royal princesses.”

We hope these letters from men will nudge women who fall into this category to wake up and more clearly see their vitally important role as a wife and mother. Please know that we understand that most of you wives reading this are already diligently fulfilling this responsibility.

Sister Julie B. Beck, Relief Society General President, in General Conference Oct. 2008, clarified the role of women of the Church when she said, “Latter-day Saint women must be strong and immovable in family. They can and should do families better than anyone else. We, as disciples of Christ, can and should be the very best in the world at upholding, nourishing, and protecting families. We do this as we:

1. Understand and defend the divine roles of women.

2. Embrace the blessings of the priesthood.

3. Form eternal families.

4. Maintain strong marriages.

5. Bear and rear children.

6. Express love for and nurture family members.

7. Accept responsibility to prepare a righteous rising generation.

8. Know, live, and defend the doctrine of the family.

• Believe him when he says he loves you, and be forgiving

Every spouse will at some point make mistakes, some more serious than others. We have observed that when repentance and forgiveness are genuine marriages can flourish. Years ago a local church leader, in a private conversation, said, “My wife doesn’t get hysterical, she gets historical.” Leave past mistakes alone and move on.

President Gordon B. Hinckley counseled: “If there is forbearance, if there is forgiveness, if there is an anxious looking after the happiness of one’s companion then love will flourish and blossom. The prescription is simple and wonderfully effective. It’s love. It’s plain simple every day love and respect.”

• Accept his compliments and say thank you.

For some reason many wives have difficulty accepting their husbands compliments. Maybe they don’t feel good about themselves, and if that’s the case, please don’t put that onto your husband. Thank him when he praises or complements you. Believe him. Don’t give him reasons why you’re not what he says you are.

So here it comes: Wives, accept your husband’s compliments! Why in the world would anyone point out her faults and bring them to her spouse’s attention. That’s just crazy.

• He needs compliments, too.

In a MensHealth.com survey 38% of men said they are rarely or never complimented by their partners, and less than 25% are regularly complimented. When your husband does something for you or the family make sure he knows you appreciate it by saying thank you. Be specific in your compliments and expressions of gratitude... You do it because it’s kind and respectful, and it shows him you are noticing the good things he does. It will inspire him to want to be an even better husband and father.

Anything you notice about his physical appearance that you like, let him know. And be sincere.

• Be a lady.

Is there a difference between a woman and lady?

And yes, ladies can do all kinds of tough tasks and still be a lady. It means she acts in gentleness, but can work like a trooper. She is strong, and yet is respectful and gentle in her strength. She doesn’t curse or act vulgar. She speaks in loving ways. She embraces her femininity. That’s being a lady. Remember, it’s an attitude.

President Faust said, “Femininity is part of your inner beauty.” (Ensign, May 2000, 96) So let it show by how you act.

• Be 100% loyal and faithful to your husband.

That’s what you want from him, so be sure to give the same to him. If ideas pop into your head that someone else is more attractive than your husband, or more successful, or more patient, and that you wish you could be with someone like that, recognize that that is Satan speaking to your mind. He rejoices when you let those thoughts stay because he knows it will cause you to be unhappy in your marriage and want to seek someone else.

Don’t flirt with other men. Never. It’s not cute, it’s cheap and disrespectful to your husband. You wouldn’t want him to do it, so don’t you do it. Keep your romantic feelings and thoughts for your husband only. Never let them stray.

Speak kindly of your husband to others. To share his faults, and they all have some (as do wives) , with friends or family members is a type of betrayal. It causes you to concentrate on his short comings. Instead, tell about his good points, and focus there. When you do that you’ll become more and more aware of what a great guy he is.

• What if your husband abuses you?

No woman should ever have to endure a physically abusive husband. If that’s your situation, talk to your bishop or a professional counselor. Even if her husband appears to be a righteous priesthood holder. If it’s serious abuse, wives, call the police when it happens. Get yourself into a safe place. You must take care of yourself and your children.

“So what's my advice to [women considering marriage]? Get an education. Get a skill. Be prepared in life to support yourself. Learn about finances. Live on your own before you ever get married. Know that you can take care of yourself. nances run in your family? How are decisions made? Observe for a long time the interactions of fuDate someone for a long time. Know their family. Here's a question to ask him: ‘Did your Dad ever hit your mom?’ (You know, your dad who has been a bishop, in a stake presidency and is a temple worker) Did your Dad ever hit you or your brothers and sisters? How were problems resolved in your home? How are fiture in-laws. Bring your mom and dad along to get to know these future in-laws and listen to their observations. Think, pray, read up on marriage and relationships. Counseling before marriage might be helpful. Learning about boundaries might be really helpful.”

Every morning he awakes and he must think, ‘What can I do to make my wife’s day better and brighter and make her glad she is married to me?’ because he does thoughtful little things he knows would make me happy. He always has a smile for me and a warm hug, and takes the time to talk with me at the end of his busy day.

“I, in turn, awake thinking, ‘What can I do to make my husband’s day better and brighter, and make him glad he is married to me?’ I ENJOY creating a happy home for him, caring for him, cooking his favorite foods, dressing nicely for him, and waiting for his arrival at the end of his long work day with a smile and hug and kind word!

We look for the best in each other and don't get bogged down in trivial little annoyances. We are so blessed to have been brought together by the Lord. This knowledge makes life a joy! We look to each day and each night together and are grateful to know that we are joined together forever through sacred priesthood ordinance.

Gary Lundberg is a marriage and family therapist, his wife, Joy, is a song writer and author; they present marriage retreats, firesides and seminars and write books on creating happy relationship, see their website at http://www.garyjoylundberg.com

Random Ramblings

It is 0410 and I'm awake... why? I have slept a total of 3 hours tonight. It took until 0100 to get to sleep because I am having severe back spasms. I don't remember this ever happening before. It started out as low back pain a couple days ago and yesterday I decided to finally use the gift certificate that dad and Lisa gave me for Christmas and get a massage to help ease the discomfort of the low back pain.
My plan kind of backfired (no pun intended) because when I got off the table at the spa I couldn't stand up straight. It took a lot to get myself together enough to go change and get home. Don't get me wrong the massage was excellent and I will definitely go back and see the same therapist. She had an excellent touch but massage just wasn't what I needed right now. My muscles were already inflamed and then I forced them to be warmed up even more...not my brightest idea. So once JD got home from teaching last night I took some ibuprofen and it seems to have helped with the pain. Before I did that though I had to get up to use the bathroom and JD had to help me. I'll be honest it was total agony trying to stand up and actually walking the 1o steps to the bathroom. I haven't experienced pain like that before and broke down in tears. I felt terrible not just because of the pain but because of the look on my sweet husband's face. He was trying to help me and not hurt me more but he had a look of helplessness on his face. It broke my heart to see it but at the same time I fell in love with him just a little bit more. I am hoping that everything is feeling better by tomorrow night because I am scheduled to work and not being able to walk well is a big issue with my job.

Next, we went to the temple on Saturday. Nothing earth shattering happened while we were there but I mention it because it because JD is always the one that encourages visits to the temple- one of the many things I love and appreciate about him. He is such a good example and always trying to be and do better. I am always so happy after we are there and for the peace I feel when we are there. I love that no matter what the "noise" is that is going on in our life it is completely peaceful in the Lord's house. What a blessing to have a place to go to get away from the static that seems to surround us outside the temple not to mention the blessing of a temple that is just 5 minutes from our house.

Next, we are about to start our third IUI. I have had mixed emotions about it for some reason. I am hopeful because we had success getting pregnant last time although it ended in a miscarriage and I fear that we will have another miscarriage. I also think one of the things that has me worried is we are still fighting with insurance about the first ultrasound we had done during our last cycle with Dr. Foulk. I'm sure it will all get worked out but at the same time if we have to pay 50% of every ultrasound it adds up very quickly. All of the ultrasounds after the first one during our last cycle was covered because they coded things differently/correctly and because we had met our deductible so we just have to make sure they do that again this time. We are very hopeful for success again this cycle and hopefully without 14 days of injections in my belly this round...although I would do a month's worth of injections if that's what it takes to add to our family.

Finally, we are hoping to buy a house sometime this summer or early next fall- hopefully! The biggest obstacle is JD finding a different job and where that job will be located. We found out last year that he was being paid much less that he should be for his experience and degree at the company he works for now. We are grateful for the job he has now but the company is very conservative including their compensation and JD wants to spread his wings and learn new technologies which isn't available there.
We started a job search about 6 months ago and have had quite a few interviews but no offers of employment yet. We feel very strongly that when the right job comes along we will know and it will be a good fit for both him/us and the company he will work for. When that happens we will start the search for a home to purchase. I am so proud of JD and the hard work and time he put in to earn his degree and his desire to improve and grow in his chosen career.

I haven't forgotten to make a post about our trip to Denver...it's coming I promise!

Until next time...

Summer Time

I love that the sun has finally decided to come out from behind the clouds. I am a shaved ice and slurpee fan in the summertime and I just came across a recipe to make your own slurpees at home. I love that it is so much cheaper than buying them at 7-11 but a little disclaimer I haven't made them yet I just found the blog with the recipe.

I hope everyone else is having a great start to summer. We went to Denver a few weeks ago for four days and it was like heaven. JD said it was just the reboot we needed (such a computer geek thing to say) and I couldn't agree with him more. I have a ton of pictures to download and a post or two to write about our trip but that will come later. Until then enjoy this beautiful sunshine and summertime weather!

Until next time...

Mourning

I woke up at 5 this morning and couldn't go back to sleep so I came downstairs and must have quickly fell asleep because the next thing I knew J.D. was waking me up to tell me goodbye before he left for work at 7:30. I then fell back asleep and didn't wake up until 11:30. We went to bed at 9:30 last night...that is RIDICULOUS that I slept that much.
I decided that I needed to do some things that would help me feel better so I called and was able to go in and get my hair trimmed (much needed) and then I treated myself to a pedicure. I almost fell asleep while I was getting my haircut and if my feet didn't tickle so much I'm certain I would have during the pedicure...what is wrong with me??!!
It dawned on me as I was walking through Walmart and by the baby supplies when I got teary what is wrong with me...I am mourning! It seems so strange to me that I was so attached to that little embryo. I have been looking around online and I guess this is a "normal" reaction to have to a miscarriage. I keep trying to remind myself that it was a good sign that we were able to get pregnant but then the "what if's" start...what if this was the only time, what if it takes another 2 years to get pregnant again, what if all I can do is miscarry.
There is a lot of uncertainty right now but we are going to move forward and try another IUI and hopefully it works.  I have been told by several people that once you get pregnant it is easier the next time- obviously not always true but I can hope.

Until next time...

The Ride is Over

My sister told me last week to go with what my gut was telling me with this pregnancy. I am so glad she gave me that simple advice. I went in for another blood test this morning. I knew in my gut last night it was going to be the last on for this pregnancy. I was trying to be hopeful but I was also listening to my inner voice and it was telling me that it was over. I got a call this afternoon at 5 pm while visiting my sister and her family that I have had a miscarriage. As strange as it may sound it was a relief to hear the news to I could quit worrying about everything and pick up and get ready for the next step. I never imagined in my wildest dream that would be my feeling. I have said for the past six months to J.D. that I didn't want to have to deal with infertility and then get pregnant and have a miscarriage. It is not to say that I am not sad or disappointed that I wasn't able to sustain this pregnancy but I have a strong belief that there was a good reason for all of this.
This pregnancy, though short lived, gave us hope. A huge hurdle/unknown for us was simply our ability to get pregnant. When the NP called me with the news that my hCG level had fallen today she told me that they were pleased that I was able to get pregnant this first round (with them) and it should give us hope. (The bratty part of me wants to call Dr. H's office and tell them that they were wrong. We were able to get pregnant with an IUI and that obviously IVF isn't our only option like they told us after our first IUI in February. I will refrain from doing so of course and simply feel good knowing that my gut was right and they were wrong.)

This has made me feel even more that I need to take better care of myself. I don't know that I didn't anything "wrong" to hurt my body or it's ability to care a baby but I feel like I need to take care of myself- not just physically but mentally and spiritually. I am not taking summer classes and it will give me a chance to take care of myself and get my body, mind and spirit in better shape.

I was able to spend a good portion of the day at my sister's home today. She and Ryan were able to bring home little T yesterday from the NICU. I couldn't wait until Saturday at R's party to see him so I drove up and got to love on those two cuties today...what a blessing those two boys are in my life. They seriously have kept me out of the depths of depression in the past few weeks. Something that Tiff said to me today made me feel better about everything I have been feeling and feeling guilty for feeling. I told her that I realized that this was only our second IUI and we were able to get pregnant and there are people that have gone through this struggle for 10 years with no success. She said it is ok to think about those people but this is my story and this is what we are going through and it's ok to just focus on that and not worry about what everyone else has had to experience. I was so grateful for those words...what a wise woman my little sister is!! Thank you Tiff! Thank you for being there to hug me today when I got the news from the doctor, thank you for letting me get my mind off of everything today and for the past few weeks and love on your sweet boys. Thank you for showing me how to be a good momma- you are wonderful and those little guys are so lucky to have you as their mother.

I anticipate that at the very least the next week is going to be rough but the plan is to have another blood draw in a week to make sure my hCG levels have gone back down to zero. We will then regroup for as long as Dr. F advises and plan on our next IUI and pray for another miracle.

Until next time...

Roller Coaster

Last Tuesday I went in for a blood test to find out if our second IUI was successful. The blood draw was at 8:15 in the morning but I didn't get a call until nearly 5. It was an agonizing day to say the least. I'm almost glad that there was a delay in getting the call because J.D. was home when I did get the call. The test was positive...good news, right!? Unfortunately there was a but attached to that positive blood test and that was that the levels were lower than they would like to see so I needed to come back in two days and have other blood test.
Thursday I went in again at 8:15 for the blood draw and this time the hCG numbers they are monitoring did double like they wanted them to but they wanted me to come back on Monday (today) for another test.
I just got the call that the levels didn't at least double so I need to go back on Wednesday for another blood draw.
So this is what the levels look like:
Test 1- 9
Test 2- 20
Test 3- 33.2
The reality is that we could have an ectopic pregnancy which is causing the levels to rise slower than normal or I could have been pregnancy with twins and lost one and my body is recovering so it is rising slower (that is what the MA suggested may be the problem today). I just read a statistic online that stated that 85% of pregnancies have hCG levels that rise like they are expected to (which mine aren't) and 15% don't (which is exactly what my levels are doing) but that doesn't mean it isn't a viable pregnancy because they are raising slower but obviously the odds are not in our favor. Besides the hCG levels not rising appropriately I haven't had any other symptoms that are listed for ectopic pregnancies which I am grateful for but I really wish we knew what was going on and why. I asked the MA today that called with the results if there is every a viable pregnancy with numbers that are this low and she said it isn't likely but it can still happen. I am hoping beyond hope that my body and this baby can prove her wrong and everything will be ok.

I have been having some pregnancy symptoms so I am trying to be positive and hopeful. J.D. said he feels like everything is going to be ok. I am relying on his faith that everything will be ok because if I don't I fall apart and all I can do is cry. I appreciate all of the prayers and support. While this isn't easy I know it would be much harder without your prayers and support. I know I need to be grateful that at the very least we were able to get pregnant- that was a huge hurdle for us- and maybe I still am and everything will be ok. I know there are people that try for many more years than we have tried to have a baby but to be honest I don't care about that right now I only know how I feel and this roller coaster ride sucks. I don't like it and I just keep asking why not even one part of all of this can be easy.
My last request is if you read this and have contact with other people we may know please don't share what is going on. I believe it is our right to share information of this sort with people we want to share it with- one of the many reasons we have a private blog. Thank you again for your continued prayers on our behalf and for honoring this request.

Until next time...

Little Miracles

We welcomed nephew #6 to the family on Friday, April 29. Baby T arrived 7 weeks before his due date. (I guess he must have heard from his big brother just how awesome Aunt Missy is and couldn't wait to get here. :) I'm not putting any vital statistics or his name because that is my sister and her husband's place to share that information not mine and they value privacy and I respect that.
I went up Friday morning to help watch their son and do what I could to help them around the house. It was a fun weekend with Aunt Miss and big brother R and the grandparents. My mom was here and my dad and stepmom. My brother and his family came down on Sunday too and JD came up to visit. I love that in times like this my family rallies together to help each other out. I feel tremendously blessed to have the family I do. We may be crazy and get frustrated with each other sometimes but we are right there ready and waiting if ever there is a need. I am a lucky girl.

The good news is that little T is doing well. He is off oxygen and breathing well. He is gaining weight and eats like a champ(through a feeding tube in his nose- all really important things for a baby in the NICU. I have been able to touch him and kiss his sweet little head several times but we will sure be glad when he can be home with mom, dad and big brother, R and then I can love on him a little bit more. I'm so glad I got to spend time with big brother R and go to the "Diasoar Pawk" (Dinosaur Park) and see his eyes light up with excitement as he runs around. He is such a good boy and knows what he wants and what he doesn't and will tell you- still hard to believe he isn't even two yet.
I have been so impressed with my sister and her husband as they have made their way through this trial. Trying to find a balance between taking care of big brother R and bonding with little T is rough. They live really close to the hospital and luckily have some good friends that have stepped up and offered to help whenever possible. I was there to hear a conversation the other day when they were recognizing the tender mercies from God. One of their good friends is a NICU nurse where little T is and she has been able to answer questions for them and was even little T's nurse yesterday. No we just wait and pray this little angel gets to come home sooner rather than later.

Until next time...