The Ride is Over

My sister told me last week to go with what my gut was telling me with this pregnancy. I am so glad she gave me that simple advice. I went in for another blood test this morning. I knew in my gut last night it was going to be the last on for this pregnancy. I was trying to be hopeful but I was also listening to my inner voice and it was telling me that it was over. I got a call this afternoon at 5 pm while visiting my sister and her family that I have had a miscarriage. As strange as it may sound it was a relief to hear the news to I could quit worrying about everything and pick up and get ready for the next step. I never imagined in my wildest dream that would be my feeling. I have said for the past six months to J.D. that I didn't want to have to deal with infertility and then get pregnant and have a miscarriage. It is not to say that I am not sad or disappointed that I wasn't able to sustain this pregnancy but I have a strong belief that there was a good reason for all of this.
This pregnancy, though short lived, gave us hope. A huge hurdle/unknown for us was simply our ability to get pregnant. When the NP called me with the news that my hCG level had fallen today she told me that they were pleased that I was able to get pregnant this first round (with them) and it should give us hope. (The bratty part of me wants to call Dr. H's office and tell them that they were wrong. We were able to get pregnant with an IUI and that obviously IVF isn't our only option like they told us after our first IUI in February. I will refrain from doing so of course and simply feel good knowing that my gut was right and they were wrong.)

This has made me feel even more that I need to take better care of myself. I don't know that I didn't anything "wrong" to hurt my body or it's ability to care a baby but I feel like I need to take care of myself- not just physically but mentally and spiritually. I am not taking summer classes and it will give me a chance to take care of myself and get my body, mind and spirit in better shape.

I was able to spend a good portion of the day at my sister's home today. She and Ryan were able to bring home little T yesterday from the NICU. I couldn't wait until Saturday at R's party to see him so I drove up and got to love on those two cuties today...what a blessing those two boys are in my life. They seriously have kept me out of the depths of depression in the past few weeks. Something that Tiff said to me today made me feel better about everything I have been feeling and feeling guilty for feeling. I told her that I realized that this was only our second IUI and we were able to get pregnant and there are people that have gone through this struggle for 10 years with no success. She said it is ok to think about those people but this is my story and this is what we are going through and it's ok to just focus on that and not worry about what everyone else has had to experience. I was so grateful for those words...what a wise woman my little sister is!! Thank you Tiff! Thank you for being there to hug me today when I got the news from the doctor, thank you for letting me get my mind off of everything today and for the past few weeks and love on your sweet boys. Thank you for showing me how to be a good momma- you are wonderful and those little guys are so lucky to have you as their mother.

I anticipate that at the very least the next week is going to be rough but the plan is to have another blood draw in a week to make sure my hCG levels have gone back down to zero. We will then regroup for as long as Dr. F advises and plan on our next IUI and pray for another miracle.

Until next time...