Monday, May 23, 2011


I woke up at 5 this morning and couldn't go back to sleep so I came downstairs and must have quickly fell asleep because the next thing I knew J.D. was waking me up to tell me goodbye before he left for work at 7:30. I then fell back asleep and didn't wake up until 11:30. We went to bed at 9:30 last night...that is RIDICULOUS that I slept that much.
I decided that I needed to do some things that would help me feel better so I called and was able to go in and get my hair trimmed (much needed) and then I treated myself to a pedicure. I almost fell asleep while I was getting my haircut and if my feet didn't tickle so much I'm certain I would have during the pedicure...what is wrong with me??!!
It dawned on me as I was walking through Walmart and by the baby supplies when I got teary what is wrong with me...I am mourning! It seems so strange to me that I was so attached to that little embryo. I have been looking around online and I guess this is a "normal" reaction to have to a miscarriage. I keep trying to remind myself that it was a good sign that we were able to get pregnant but then the "what if's" start...what if this was the only time, what if it takes another 2 years to get pregnant again, what if all I can do is miscarry.
There is a lot of uncertainty right now but we are going to move forward and try another IUI and hopefully it works.  I have been told by several people that once you get pregnant it is easier the next time- obviously not always true but I can hope.

Until next time...

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

The Ride is Over

My sister told me last week to go with what my gut was telling me with this pregnancy. I am so glad she gave me that simple advice. I went in for another blood test this morning. I knew in my gut last night it was going to be the last on for this pregnancy. I was trying to be hopeful but I was also listening to my inner voice and it was telling me that it was over. I got a call this afternoon at 5 pm while visiting my sister and her family that I have had a miscarriage. As strange as it may sound it was a relief to hear the news to I could quit worrying about everything and pick up and get ready for the next step. I never imagined in my wildest dream that would be my feeling. I have said for the past six months to J.D. that I didn't want to have to deal with infertility and then get pregnant and have a miscarriage. It is not to say that I am not sad or disappointed that I wasn't able to sustain this pregnancy but I have a strong belief that there was a good reason for all of this.
This pregnancy, though short lived, gave us hope. A huge hurdle/unknown for us was simply our ability to get pregnant. When the NP called me with the news that my hCG level had fallen today she told me that they were pleased that I was able to get pregnant this first round (with them) and it should give us hope. (The bratty part of me wants to call Dr. H's office and tell them that they were wrong. We were able to get pregnant with an IUI and that obviously IVF isn't our only option like they told us after our first IUI in February. I will refrain from doing so of course and simply feel good knowing that my gut was right and they were wrong.)

This has made me feel even more that I need to take better care of myself. I don't know that I didn't anything "wrong" to hurt my body or it's ability to care a baby but I feel like I need to take care of myself- not just physically but mentally and spiritually. I am not taking summer classes and it will give me a chance to take care of myself and get my body, mind and spirit in better shape.

I was able to spend a good portion of the day at my sister's home today. She and Ryan were able to bring home little T yesterday from the NICU. I couldn't wait until Saturday at R's party to see him so I drove up and got to love on those two cuties today...what a blessing those two boys are in my life. They seriously have kept me out of the depths of depression in the past few weeks. Something that Tiff said to me today made me feel better about everything I have been feeling and feeling guilty for feeling. I told her that I realized that this was only our second IUI and we were able to get pregnant and there are people that have gone through this struggle for 10 years with no success. She said it is ok to think about those people but this is my story and this is what we are going through and it's ok to just focus on that and not worry about what everyone else has had to experience. I was so grateful for those words...what a wise woman my little sister is!! Thank you Tiff! Thank you for being there to hug me today when I got the news from the doctor, thank you for letting me get my mind off of everything today and for the past few weeks and love on your sweet boys. Thank you for showing me how to be a good momma- you are wonderful and those little guys are so lucky to have you as their mother.

I anticipate that at the very least the next week is going to be rough but the plan is to have another blood draw in a week to make sure my hCG levels have gone back down to zero. We will then regroup for as long as Dr. F advises and plan on our next IUI and pray for another miracle.

Until next time...

Monday, May 16, 2011

Roller Coaster

Last Tuesday I went in for a blood test to find out if our second IUI was successful. The blood draw was at 8:15 in the morning but I didn't get a call until nearly 5. It was an agonizing day to say the least. I'm almost glad that there was a delay in getting the call because J.D. was home when I did get the call. The test was positive...good news, right!? Unfortunately there was a but attached to that positive blood test and that was that the levels were lower than they would like to see so I needed to come back in two days and have other blood test.
Thursday I went in again at 8:15 for the blood draw and this time the hCG numbers they are monitoring did double like they wanted them to but they wanted me to come back on Monday (today) for another test.
I just got the call that the levels didn't at least double so I need to go back on Wednesday for another blood draw.
So this is what the levels look like:
Test 1- 9
Test 2- 20
Test 3- 33.2
The reality is that we could have an ectopic pregnancy which is causing the levels to rise slower than normal or I could have been pregnancy with twins and lost one and my body is recovering so it is rising slower (that is what the MA suggested may be the problem today). I just read a statistic online that stated that 85% of pregnancies have hCG levels that rise like they are expected to (which mine aren't) and 15% don't (which is exactly what my levels are doing) but that doesn't mean it isn't a viable pregnancy because they are raising slower but obviously the odds are not in our favor. Besides the hCG levels not rising appropriately I haven't had any other symptoms that are listed for ectopic pregnancies which I am grateful for but I really wish we knew what was going on and why. I asked the MA today that called with the results if there is every a viable pregnancy with numbers that are this low and she said it isn't likely but it can still happen. I am hoping beyond hope that my body and this baby can prove her wrong and everything will be ok.

I have been having some pregnancy symptoms so I am trying to be positive and hopeful. J.D. said he feels like everything is going to be ok. I am relying on his faith that everything will be ok because if I don't I fall apart and all I can do is cry. I appreciate all of the prayers and support. While this isn't easy I know it would be much harder without your prayers and support. I know I need to be grateful that at the very least we were able to get pregnant- that was a huge hurdle for us- and maybe I still am and everything will be ok. I know there are people that try for many more years than we have tried to have a baby but to be honest I don't care about that right now I only know how I feel and this roller coaster ride sucks. I don't like it and I just keep asking why not even one part of all of this can be easy.
My last request is if you read this and have contact with other people we may know please don't share what is going on. I believe it is our right to share information of this sort with people we want to share it with- one of the many reasons we have a private blog. Thank you again for your continued prayers on our behalf and for honoring this request.

Until next time...

Monday, May 2, 2011

Little Miracles

We welcomed nephew #6 to the family on Friday, April 29. Baby T arrived 7 weeks before his due date. (I guess he must have heard from his big brother just how awesome Aunt Missy is and couldn't wait to get here. :) I'm not putting any vital statistics or his name because that is my sister and her husband's place to share that information not mine and they value privacy and I respect that.
I went up Friday morning to help watch their son and do what I could to help them around the house. It was a fun weekend with Aunt Miss and big brother R and the grandparents. My mom was here and my dad and stepmom. My brother and his family came down on Sunday too and JD came up to visit. I love that in times like this my family rallies together to help each other out. I feel tremendously blessed to have the family I do. We may be crazy and get frustrated with each other sometimes but we are right there ready and waiting if ever there is a need. I am a lucky girl.

The good news is that little T is doing well. He is off oxygen and breathing well. He is gaining weight and eats like a champ(through a feeding tube in his nose- all really important things for a baby in the NICU. I have been able to touch him and kiss his sweet little head several times but we will sure be glad when he can be home with mom, dad and big brother, R and then I can love on him a little bit more. I'm so glad I got to spend time with big brother R and go to the "Diasoar Pawk" (Dinosaur Park) and see his eyes light up with excitement as he runs around. He is such a good boy and knows what he wants and what he doesn't and will tell you- still hard to believe he isn't even two yet.
I have been so impressed with my sister and her husband as they have made their way through this trial. Trying to find a balance between taking care of big brother R and bonding with little T is rough. They live really close to the hospital and luckily have some good friends that have stepped up and offered to help whenever possible. I was there to hear a conversation the other day when they were recognizing the tender mercies from God. One of their good friends is a NICU nurse where little T is and she has been able to answer questions for them and was even little T's nurse yesterday. No we just wait and pray this little angel gets to come home sooner rather than later.

Until next time...