Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Being Selected...it's Real

Let me just start by saying we have not been contacted by expectant parents...well not really.

Yesterday I was running errands and while standing in line at Walmart got a call from our caseworker, Hayley.  I knew something was up when her name popped up on my phone because our paperwork is final and has been for 3 weeks.  We did find out last week that our profile has been viewed four times already by registered expectant parents (YIPPEE).  She told us that is rare and usually couple goes for months without anyone clicking on their profile.  Anyway, back to yesterday... she asked me if it was a good time to talk and I told her sure I was just in line at Walmart but I could chat. (Note to self- don't do that again- ever!!) She told me about an adoption situation with twin girls that were born premature, the adoption that had been set up had fallen through for some reason and they were looking quickly for another couple that would accept twins and children with disabilities.  WHAT??!!  We needed to discuss it and let her know in the next 30 minutes.. DOUBLE what??!! All of the adoptive couples would then be sent to the birth parents and they would decide who they wanted to meet  and wanted to meet that night (it was 2:26pm when I got the call) and it was at least a 2 hour drive to get to them.  Needless to say that is A LOT to take in a few minutes.

I really needed to sit down somewhere but the checkout line at Walmart isn't exactly a good place for that.
I REALLY needed J.D. with me right then so I could talk to him about it and see his eyes and feel his arms around me to tell me any decision we made would be the right one.

I checked out, I'm sure the checker thought I was crazy because my response was so slow as I tried to wrap my mind around the call I had just received and the email with a little bit more information I received from Hayley. As I was walking out of the store after paying for a cart full of groceries I almost left them in the store and walked out to my car.  I was a little bit worried about my ability to get myself home because my mind wasn't exactly on what was immediately around me.  Luckily talking to J.D. and my sister on the phone got me home.

J.D. and I agreed that we would both say a prayer and regroup in a few minutes after I got home and discuss how we felt we needed to proceed with this situation.  When we talked we decided that this wasn't the right situation for us and more importantly these were not our children.  We have heard many, many times that when it is your child you will know and in this situation these special little angels were not ours.

I made the call to Hayley to let her know that this wasn't the right situation for us.  I started to cry as I was talking to her.  She said many times there are feelings of guilt (yep sure did have that) and there is no reason to feel guilty.  She reminded me that our goal isn't to have just any baby but to find our baby- also true.  I told her and later as I talked to J.D. that my greater concern were the "what if's". What if these were our babies and we said no- even though we both felt that these weren't our babies.  What if this is the only time we are contacted?

After J.D. got home we were able to talk more about it and of course I cried some more.  It was a real wake up call for us that we may be selected in this way and this may have been prep for us for the future.  Adoption is a wonderful and challenging thing.  We are blessed in so many ways and although these twin girls were not our babies we may be a little bit better prepared now for the future and how we will possibly be contacted by expectant parents.

Until next time...