Today was 14 days post IUI with means it was test day. I have to be honest after getting the news about sperm morphology a few days after the IUI, I had my doubts if it would work. My gut feelings were right and the PG test this morning was negative. It was a tough pill to swallow after the 3 minute wait because all night I had various dreams about taking the tests and having a positives and how we celebrated and who we told. Tough pill indeed!!
The reality is that this is hard and it SUCKS! It is something that we do not have control over and I hate it. I like to at least know what to expect from all of this- in a perfect world we would start thinking of pink or blue but life is not ideal. It is full of speed bumps and detours. This little detour is taking much longer than we anticipated.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
I know
Today has been a great day and for that I am grateful. It is fast Sunday which means that testimonies were shared during Sacrament meeting. I needed to hear the testimonies that were shared today. One of the women I served for a short time in the Relief Society presidency with, Bea Pinkal shared this story:
A man was sleeping at night in his cabin when suddenly his room filled with light and the Savior appeared. The Lord told the man he had work for him to do, and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin. The Lord explained that the man was to push against the rock with all his might.
This the man did, day after day. For many years he toiled from sun up to sun down, his shoulders set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the unmoving rock, pushing it with all his might. Each night the man returned to his cabin sore, and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain.
Noticing that the man was showing signs of discouragement, the adversary decided to enter the picture by placing thoughts into the man’s weary mind. “You have been pushing against this rock for a long time, and it hasn’t budged. Why kill yourself over this? You are never going to move it.” Thus giving the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he was a failure. These troubling thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man. “Why kill myself over this?” I’ll just put in my time, giving just the minimum effort and that will be good enough.
And that is what he planned to do until one day he decided to make it a matter of prayer and take his thoughts to the Lord. “Lord” he said, “I have labored long and hard in your service, putting all my strength to do that which you have asked. Yet, after all this time, I have not even been able to budge that rock. What is wrong? Why am I failing?”
The Lord responded compassionately, “My friend, When I asked you to serve me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push against the rock with all your strength, which you have done. Never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it. Your task was to push. And now you come to me with your strength spent, thinking that you have failed. But, is that really so?”
“Look at yourself. Your arms are strong and muscled, your back sinewy and brown, your hands are callused from constant pressure, and your legs have become massive and hard. Through opposition you have grown much and your abilities now surpass that which you used to have. Yet you haven’t moved the rock. But your calling was to be obedient and to push and to exercise your faith and trust in my wisdom. This you have done. I, my friend, will now move the rock.”
At times, when we hear a word from God, we tend to use our own intellect to decipher what He wants, when actually what God wants is simple obedience and Faith in Him…
By all means exercise the faith that moves mountains, but know that it is still God who moves them.
****************
I needed that story today. So many others reminded me how much Heavenly Father knows us and knows what we need and what we can handle and (almost) more important to me- how long we can handle a trial.
I needed that today. I needed the reminders. While I am still hoping and praying for a positive test on February 16 we got some news on Friday afternoon that our chances of conceiving with IUI are very small because of further results from the Kruger test. I know everything is going to be ok- because I know I have a loving Heavenly Father that KNOWS what I need and KNOWS what I can handle and how long I can handle it. I am so grateful for that knowledge and for the people I am able to associate with that remind me of that...even if indirectly.
Until next time...
Friday, February 4, 2011
Sometimes it's ok to be a stalker...
I was blog stalking today. I was reading a new blog my friend Deb started and clicked on someone that is following her blog and happened upon this little treasure.
As a read this post and the attached essay, tears were rolling down my cheeks. It describes perfectly the feelings that come with infertility. I have felt these same feelings and spent those three minutes praying that I could will a positive instead of a negative...again! It is true that we often put a happy face on even when our heart is breaking into pieces- again- on the inside. I don't know who the author is, I have never met her but I appreciate her ability to put on paper and openly share these feelings that we deal with and work through (sometime more frequently that we want to) but it seems taboo to express.
Here is the link to the blog post and the essay this woman wrote.
http://nateclarlaw.blogspot.com/2010/01/courage.html
I again can't express enough how grateful I am for the support we have been given by friends and family. I have become very open with our struggle and it is very therapeutic for me to have a place to write about what is going on because I can take a couple of days to work through my feelings before writing them down or write immediately-even if I look back later and realize how irrational I was being at the time. While I wouldn't have picked this trial for J.D. and me, I wouldn't trade it for anything- our marriage is stronger for this trial. We have learned to lean on each other on the hard days. Recently J.D. has started saying he is glad I waited for him- I couldn't imagine going through this with anyone but him...my rock!
Until next time...
As a read this post and the attached essay, tears were rolling down my cheeks. It describes perfectly the feelings that come with infertility. I have felt these same feelings and spent those three minutes praying that I could will a positive instead of a negative...again! It is true that we often put a happy face on even when our heart is breaking into pieces- again- on the inside. I don't know who the author is, I have never met her but I appreciate her ability to put on paper and openly share these feelings that we deal with and work through (sometime more frequently that we want to) but it seems taboo to express.
Here is the link to the blog post and the essay this woman wrote.
http://nateclarlaw.blogspot.com/2010/01/courage.html
I again can't express enough how grateful I am for the support we have been given by friends and family. I have become very open with our struggle and it is very therapeutic for me to have a place to write about what is going on because I can take a couple of days to work through my feelings before writing them down or write immediately-even if I look back later and realize how irrational I was being at the time. While I wouldn't have picked this trial for J.D. and me, I wouldn't trade it for anything- our marriage is stronger for this trial. We have learned to lean on each other on the hard days. Recently J.D. has started saying he is glad I waited for him- I couldn't imagine going through this with anyone but him...my rock!
Until next time...
Thursday, February 3, 2011
The Waiting Game
Fair warning there may be information in this post that is to graphic for some. Consider yourself warned...
Yesterday was our IUI. It was much more simple than I anticipated- even with all the online research I have done and questions we have asked. I started the morning by taking a pregnancy AND ovulation test. Seems silly to take a pregnancy test but we had to make sure the HCG trigger shot from the before worked and that is how you test it. The ovulation test said we were at peak ovulation so basically- primed and ready to go! I was so excited to see that both test results were what they were supposed to be. I was a little worried me may need to cancel the IUI because JD had been sick with what we think was the flu but he was a trooper and said we needed to just move forward. We just hoped that him being sick didn't affect the results of his test later in the day.
JD had to go in to Dr. H's office two hours before my appointment to make his contribution. Besides being normal protocol for an IUI we were having a Kruger test done. This is to make sure that we don't have male fertility issues as well. Poor J.D. has been so stressed about what the results would be. Everything looked great! It was a relief to hear the news but even better was to see the relief on J.D.'s face. I asked him later why he was so worried about it and he said because he didn't want to be the reason I couldn't be a mom. I am so blessed- this man is always worried about me and what I want/need.
When we arrived for my appointment we were taken right back to the exam room and asked to read and sign a consent form- basically stating that there was no guarantee of pregnancy and the possibility and percentage of multiples that come from IUI and a bunch of other legal mumbo jumbo.
As we were sitting in the room waiting for the nurse to come in I made a comment in passing that I would just get up and leave if "K" the nurse practitioner that we don't care for came in the door instead of the nurse manager "H", who was supposed to do our insemination. Wouldn't you know that not a minute later a knock came on the door and "K" walked in. I couldn't believe my eyes for about 5 seconds then spoke up and said we want "H" to do the insemination. For anyone that knows me you know that I don't typically have issues with speaking my mind but in a doctor's office it seems that I become much more reserved--except in this case. She made a point of asking if there was a problem with her and I repeated several times we just wanted "H" and that was it. She left and got "H". I felt like such a baby but I started crying the second she closed door behind her. I know I am just very sensitive about working with especially since specifically requesting that she not be part of a care team anymore and have her walk in the room. "H" came in within a few minutes and all was well in our little world again. She just has a very calming personality- which is helpful for me. She gets that infertility struggle because she has been there and in my opinion she is just a great nurse. She went over the results of the Kruger test and then we reviewed exactly what we had done this cycle with medications and injections- just to make sure we were all on the same page. She then showed us the specimen, double checked the information and told us we were the only ones doing an IUI that day anyway so we knew it was ours and proceeded to do the insemination. It took about 10 minutes and was pretty simple and only slightly uncomfortable with a little bit of pressure.
Now the waiting game. We don't take a pregnancy test for two weeks, 14 days and right now that seems like an eternity. I'm glad I have school and work to keep me busy and my mind off it. I did read on our paperwork yesterday that taking a test within 11 days of the insemination may show a false positive because of the HCG trigger that we did the day before. So in 14 days I will be doing another pregnancy test and hopefully we will have a positive result. If so, we will head into Dr. H's office for a blood test to confirm the positive.
We are truly blessed and have felt the comfort and peace from each of you from your prayers, thoughts and kind words on our behalf. We are hopeful that this will be the only IUI we need to do but continue to be realistic that it may not be. There is a 20-30% chance of getting pregnant with an IUI with injections. Here's to hoping we are in that percentage. If not, we know that God knows better than we do what our situation is and what the solutions are for us.
Yesterday was our IUI. It was much more simple than I anticipated- even with all the online research I have done and questions we have asked. I started the morning by taking a pregnancy AND ovulation test. Seems silly to take a pregnancy test but we had to make sure the HCG trigger shot from the before worked and that is how you test it. The ovulation test said we were at peak ovulation so basically- primed and ready to go! I was so excited to see that both test results were what they were supposed to be. I was a little worried me may need to cancel the IUI because JD had been sick with what we think was the flu but he was a trooper and said we needed to just move forward. We just hoped that him being sick didn't affect the results of his test later in the day.
JD had to go in to Dr. H's office two hours before my appointment to make his contribution. Besides being normal protocol for an IUI we were having a Kruger test done. This is to make sure that we don't have male fertility issues as well. Poor J.D. has been so stressed about what the results would be. Everything looked great! It was a relief to hear the news but even better was to see the relief on J.D.'s face. I asked him later why he was so worried about it and he said because he didn't want to be the reason I couldn't be a mom. I am so blessed- this man is always worried about me and what I want/need.
When we arrived for my appointment we were taken right back to the exam room and asked to read and sign a consent form- basically stating that there was no guarantee of pregnancy and the possibility and percentage of multiples that come from IUI and a bunch of other legal mumbo jumbo.
As we were sitting in the room waiting for the nurse to come in I made a comment in passing that I would just get up and leave if "K" the nurse practitioner that we don't care for came in the door instead of the nurse manager "H", who was supposed to do our insemination. Wouldn't you know that not a minute later a knock came on the door and "K" walked in. I couldn't believe my eyes for about 5 seconds then spoke up and said we want "H" to do the insemination. For anyone that knows me you know that I don't typically have issues with speaking my mind but in a doctor's office it seems that I become much more reserved--except in this case. She made a point of asking if there was a problem with her and I repeated several times we just wanted "H" and that was it. She left and got "H". I felt like such a baby but I started crying the second she closed door behind her. I know I am just very sensitive about working with especially since specifically requesting that she not be part of a care team anymore and have her walk in the room. "H" came in within a few minutes and all was well in our little world again. She just has a very calming personality- which is helpful for me. She gets that infertility struggle because she has been there and in my opinion she is just a great nurse. She went over the results of the Kruger test and then we reviewed exactly what we had done this cycle with medications and injections- just to make sure we were all on the same page. She then showed us the specimen, double checked the information and told us we were the only ones doing an IUI that day anyway so we knew it was ours and proceeded to do the insemination. It took about 10 minutes and was pretty simple and only slightly uncomfortable with a little bit of pressure.
Now the waiting game. We don't take a pregnancy test for two weeks, 14 days and right now that seems like an eternity. I'm glad I have school and work to keep me busy and my mind off it. I did read on our paperwork yesterday that taking a test within 11 days of the insemination may show a false positive because of the HCG trigger that we did the day before. So in 14 days I will be doing another pregnancy test and hopefully we will have a positive result. If so, we will head into Dr. H's office for a blood test to confirm the positive.
We are truly blessed and have felt the comfort and peace from each of you from your prayers, thoughts and kind words on our behalf. We are hopeful that this will be the only IUI we need to do but continue to be realistic that it may not be. There is a 20-30% chance of getting pregnant with an IUI with injections. Here's to hoping we are in that percentage. If not, we know that God knows better than we do what our situation is and what the solutions are for us.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Our day is coming
We had an ultrasound with Dr. H this morning to see how my body is doing with the FSH injections this cycle. We finally got some good news. We have one follicle that is right on target and one that is just a little bit smaller than it needs to be but in Dr. H's words "that's perfect". We found out if we had more than 3 follicles that we would have to cancel this cycle- we didn't want to do that...again!
J.D. and I were smiling from ear to ear when we walked out of Dr. H's office this morning. We have two more days of injections and then at 3 PM on Wednesday we will be in Dr. H's office for the IUI. Since the IUI is at 3 PM (my request) we have to get up at 3 AM on Tuesday morning to do the HCG injection.
Please keep us in your prayers as we approach Wednesday and more importantly the few weeks following...hoping for a positive test. I asked Dr. H if accupuncture would be beneficial in this process. He said that it may help for relaxation benefits and possibly blood flow (although there is no concrete evidence that is the case) but massage would be just a good for relaxation...soooo J.D. told me I can get a massage this week before the procedure...yippee! The good news is I got a gift certificate to the spa for Christmas so now I have a really good reason to use it.
Until next time...
J.D. and I were smiling from ear to ear when we walked out of Dr. H's office this morning. We have two more days of injections and then at 3 PM on Wednesday we will be in Dr. H's office for the IUI. Since the IUI is at 3 PM (my request) we have to get up at 3 AM on Tuesday morning to do the HCG injection.
Please keep us in your prayers as we approach Wednesday and more importantly the few weeks following...hoping for a positive test. I asked Dr. H if accupuncture would be beneficial in this process. He said that it may help for relaxation benefits and possibly blood flow (although there is no concrete evidence that is the case) but massage would be just a good for relaxation...soooo J.D. told me I can get a massage this week before the procedure...yippee! The good news is I got a gift certificate to the spa for Christmas so now I have a really good reason to use it.
Until next time...
Monday, January 24, 2011
My J.D.
Self portrait at Grandma Sullivan's "90th" Birthday party
With our two youngest nephews during what I call "Sullivan Family Fun weekend" 2010
If was to give advice to any girl looking for a husband I would tell her to find someone like my J.D. He is a man with the kindest heart and forgiving and understanding spirit and a big softy with his wife (except when I need to be called on something I shouldn't be doing- which I appreciate) and my rock when life is tough.
This past weekend had been a rough and tough one. I have mostly been myself but also feel like I have been walking around in a haze that I can't shake. If I would think too much about grandma and the memories I have that involve her and I would start to cry- this wonderful husband of mine is always right there holding my hand and my heart exactly when I needed it. He lets me have my space to mourn the lost of grandma and burst out in anger/frustration (because sometimes that is what works best for me) and gently tells me everything is going to be ok. He prays for my comfort to get through this week and for success in all that I do.
I told him on Saturday that I wanted to buy a new dress for grandma's funeral and he didn't object for one second, in fact, he encouraged me to. He reminded me that I haven't bought a new dress since I bought my wedding dress- two years ago. What woman wouldn't love that kind of support and encouragement!
He is a softy but he is a tough guy too. We start FSH injections tomorrow and he is going to be brave and give me the shots. I told him I was sure I could find a nurse at work that would do it for me if he didn't want to but he is going to man up and do it...what a great guy. His wife the future nurse gets nervous about giving a shot to herself.
I am so blessed- beyond measure! I always day dreamed about what my life would be like when I was married and this is so much better than I imagined. I am so grateful for the rock in my life that is my husband.
This past weekend had been a rough and tough one. I have mostly been myself but also feel like I have been walking around in a haze that I can't shake. If I would think too much about grandma and the memories I have that involve her and I would start to cry- this wonderful husband of mine is always right there holding my hand and my heart exactly when I needed it. He lets me have my space to mourn the lost of grandma and burst out in anger/frustration (because sometimes that is what works best for me) and gently tells me everything is going to be ok. He prays for my comfort to get through this week and for success in all that I do.
I told him on Saturday that I wanted to buy a new dress for grandma's funeral and he didn't object for one second, in fact, he encouraged me to. He reminded me that I haven't bought a new dress since I bought my wedding dress- two years ago. What woman wouldn't love that kind of support and encouragement!
He is a softy but he is a tough guy too. We start FSH injections tomorrow and he is going to be brave and give me the shots. I told him I was sure I could find a nurse at work that would do it for me if he didn't want to but he is going to man up and do it...what a great guy. His wife the future nurse gets nervous about giving a shot to herself.
I am so blessed- beyond measure! I always day dreamed about what my life would be like when I was married and this is so much better than I imagined. I am so grateful for the rock in my life that is my husband.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
In Memory of Lois Ann Maloney Sullivan- My gramma
Grandma at her "90th" birthday party-She kept telling us she was 90 even though she was only turning 88.
Grandma and her grand kids (except Jared) at her "90th" birthday party
Grandma and her kids- Frank w/ Lisa (L) and Kathy w/ David (R)
Grandma and her great grandchildrenI have cried as I have been thinking about her this morning. I am not crying because I am sad, she was ready to go and because I knew she was ready I was able to say good bye and not be sad (mostly). I am so grateful at times like this that I know about the plan of salvation- this isn't the end but more of a pause for a short time- in the grand scheme of things. I am at peace because I know she is with her husband again and it kind of makes me chuckle inside (more than a little) when I think if she followed through on her threat of punching grandpa in the nose when she saw him again or if she really gave him a big hug- I'm going to go with the hug simply because I know this wonderful woman and how much she missed her sweetheart.
My grandma was a wonderful woman who I had the pleasure to spend a lot of time with during my growing up years. I was lucky enough to live just down the road from she and my grandpa for as long as I remember. She was one of my best friends and I always knew I could count on her when it felt like I couldn't count on anyone else. She taught me how to cook and how to take care of a husband. She always made sure to bring home a treat for grandpa when she went to town- that could mean strawberries (his favorite), a candy bar or a bag of chips. She taught me to be hospitable to everyone that came to my home. One of the things that she talked about often in the past few years was how much she missed being able to cook for people and she was so happy that everyone knew they would have a good meal if they came to the Sullivan Ranch.
My grandma taught me that being religious and going to church are not mutually exclusive. One of the important first lessons I learned from her growing up in a small community where religion was a dividing line. I loved sitting and talking at the kitchen table with her.
My cousin, Andy summarized perfectly the feelings I have had the past few days as I have been thinking of the life my grandma led and the legacy she leaves behind...
Sadness coupled with a sense of peace. She lived a long, meaningful life. A lucky and grieving (granddaughter), grateful I had the chance to be taken care of, learn from and enjoy the company of such a lovely lady.
My grandma, Lois Ann Maloney Sullivan with be forever in my heart and forever in my memory.
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