Do you have anyone in your life that makes you feel inadequate now matter what you do or don't do?
I hope that I haven't ever made another person feel this way...if I have I am truly sorry!
The famous quote by Eleanor Roosevelt..."No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" runs through my mind every time I feel like I'm a huge disappointment and no matter what I do it won't change the disappointment.
In those moments of despair I am so grateful for a Savior that I can turn these feelings over to Him and move on with my life. He knows exactly how I feel and the pain to my soul when I have these feelings. How blessed I am to know my Savior loves me that much.
This too shall pass. Tomorrow is another day. I can only control me and the way I react to situations that I may not particularly care for all that much.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
Decisions
As much as I don't want this to become about our infertility struggles I need to get some things off my chest tonight. First, I am grateful for my wonderful, supportive and strong (in mind and spirit) husband. He was gone last week in Idaho helping my brother and the crew with the fall cattle roundup. He came home on Saturday to a me in bed with a heating pad and unable to move with the exception of a couple of trips downstairs this is where I have been ever since. I even had to call into work today because of my body's reaction to the medications. However, this reaction is both a good and bad thing. While it has scared me and put me down in bed for a few days (I am crossing my fingers that is that case)- that is the bad part, the good part is that it is prepping my body the way it needs to...we hope!
Today has been a VERY emotional day. I have broken down several times as I tried to and was finally successful getting a hold of Dr. H's office to find out what to do next. I have been trying since last Friday and finally tonight was able to speak to the doctor on call since the nurses' haven't returned my repeated calls asking what to do next and I didn't think to just ask for Dr. H since the nurse practitioners in his office don't return calls like they assured me they would when I had "many questions about what to expect" (that is what we were told by the nurse practitioner when we were going over the fine details after our meeting with Dr. H).
Basically what I learned when talking to the doctor tonight is that my body didn't react the way the Dr. H apparently expected but this does happen to other women that have PCOS, so I don't necessarily need to be alarmed. The way it was described to me was this...polycystic ovaries release a lot of estrogen into your system. This is like putting fertilizer on a lawn but never mowing the lawn. Progesterone is essentially the lawn mower but apparently my body doesn't produce enough of that on it's own so that is the purpose of the provera. The thing that really scared me tonight when I was talking to the doctor on the phone was his recommendation to have biopsy of my uterus done because a lot of buildup can cause cancer...WOW! WHAT??!! (This is one of the reasons why I'm glad J.D. was home because I about had a panic attack and started crying when the Dr. was telling me all this and I just handed him the phone and told him to talk to the doctor while I tried to compose myself.)
I was diagnosed with PCOS in the '90s and have had similar reactions to progesterone in the past but this is the first time I have been told that a biopsy would be a good idea. The good news...he said if I was to get cancer this would be the one to get because it is easily treatable. The doc I talked to recommended that I call Dr. H in the morning to find out what he recommends that we do next. The doc we talked to tonight said we could continue with the medical d&c which is essentially what we are doing now taking provera OR do a surgical d&c...for those of you who don't know what that is- a d&c is a procedure that is usually done after a miscarriage but has been used for women with PCOS too for the same purpose of basically giving you a "clean" uterus. After looking at some information online tonight was are learning very heavily toward the idea of just continuing with the medication even though it may take a few more months because of the risks involved with a surgical procedure and the $$$.
We have some major decisions to make- many of which will come after we have a chance to talk to Dr. H tomorrow. I have to just say how blessed I am to have married such a good and supportive man. All of this obviously affects both of us but it is my body going through all the tests, etc. and J.D. is right here holding my hand and supporting me every step of the way. I am so grateful to be married to a man that lives worthy and honors the priesthood that he holds so he can give me a blessing at a moments notice. It is such an amazing feeling to not only feel the love of my wonderful husband but to have him be the mouthpiece for my Heavenly Father to give me comfort and peace in my heart and mind as we go through this trial.
Today has been a VERY emotional day. I have broken down several times as I tried to and was finally successful getting a hold of Dr. H's office to find out what to do next. I have been trying since last Friday and finally tonight was able to speak to the doctor on call since the nurses' haven't returned my repeated calls asking what to do next and I didn't think to just ask for Dr. H since the nurse practitioners in his office don't return calls like they assured me they would when I had "many questions about what to expect" (that is what we were told by the nurse practitioner when we were going over the fine details after our meeting with Dr. H).
Basically what I learned when talking to the doctor tonight is that my body didn't react the way the Dr. H apparently expected but this does happen to other women that have PCOS, so I don't necessarily need to be alarmed. The way it was described to me was this...polycystic ovaries release a lot of estrogen into your system. This is like putting fertilizer on a lawn but never mowing the lawn. Progesterone is essentially the lawn mower but apparently my body doesn't produce enough of that on it's own so that is the purpose of the provera. The thing that really scared me tonight when I was talking to the doctor on the phone was his recommendation to have biopsy of my uterus done because a lot of buildup can cause cancer...WOW! WHAT??!! (This is one of the reasons why I'm glad J.D. was home because I about had a panic attack and started crying when the Dr. was telling me all this and I just handed him the phone and told him to talk to the doctor while I tried to compose myself.)
I was diagnosed with PCOS in the '90s and have had similar reactions to progesterone in the past but this is the first time I have been told that a biopsy would be a good idea. The good news...he said if I was to get cancer this would be the one to get because it is easily treatable. The doc I talked to recommended that I call Dr. H in the morning to find out what he recommends that we do next. The doc we talked to tonight said we could continue with the medical d&c which is essentially what we are doing now taking provera OR do a surgical d&c...for those of you who don't know what that is- a d&c is a procedure that is usually done after a miscarriage but has been used for women with PCOS too for the same purpose of basically giving you a "clean" uterus. After looking at some information online tonight was are learning very heavily toward the idea of just continuing with the medication even though it may take a few more months because of the risks involved with a surgical procedure and the $$$.
We have some major decisions to make- many of which will come after we have a chance to talk to Dr. H tomorrow. I have to just say how blessed I am to have married such a good and supportive man. All of this obviously affects both of us but it is my body going through all the tests, etc. and J.D. is right here holding my hand and supporting me every step of the way. I am so grateful to be married to a man that lives worthy and honors the priesthood that he holds so he can give me a blessing at a moments notice. It is such an amazing feeling to not only feel the love of my wonderful husband but to have him be the mouthpiece for my Heavenly Father to give me comfort and peace in my heart and mind as we go through this trial.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Listen to a Prophets Voice
A few weeks before General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints my stake in Pleasant Grove had our Stake Conference. This stake conference was really more of a regional conference with over 160 stakes in Utah and Summit County participating in two sessions on Sunday.
On the Saturday before the regional broadcast, J.D. and I attended the adult session that was just for our stake. It was interesting to both of us that all of the talks during that session were focused on listening to our prophets. We were told that hard times were coming, harder even than the trials that our pioneer ancestors faced. I remember looking at J.D. and wondering what was to come but in the same thought re-committing myself to follow the voice of the prophets. I wondered what we would hear in a few weeks when General Conference was to take place in Salt Lake City.
Again, on Saturday with some of the talks I looked as J.D. and said, "what is going to happen? There is something big coming." When I listened to this talk from President Boyd K. Packer.
I thought nothing of it beyond instruction that was given to us by a servant of God. Unfortunately many people took offense to what President Packer said during his talk at General Conference and there have been protests at Temple Square in Salt Lake City and many gay and lesbian groups are requesting he change his talk and say that the Church hates anyone that is gay or lesbian. That is not the case and President Packer was only stating again what has been said many times before that marriage is between a man and a woman.
Now I understand why we were being instructed as we were. It's interesting to me that many times during our stake conference it was stated that they didn't know what was going to be presented during General Conference but that the men and women that speak are called of God.
On the Saturday before the regional broadcast, J.D. and I attended the adult session that was just for our stake. It was interesting to both of us that all of the talks during that session were focused on listening to our prophets. We were told that hard times were coming, harder even than the trials that our pioneer ancestors faced. I remember looking at J.D. and wondering what was to come but in the same thought re-committing myself to follow the voice of the prophets. I wondered what we would hear in a few weeks when General Conference was to take place in Salt Lake City.
Again, on Saturday with some of the talks I looked as J.D. and said, "what is going to happen? There is something big coming." When I listened to this talk from President Boyd K. Packer.
I thought nothing of it beyond instruction that was given to us by a servant of God. Unfortunately many people took offense to what President Packer said during his talk at General Conference and there have been protests at Temple Square in Salt Lake City and many gay and lesbian groups are requesting he change his talk and say that the Church hates anyone that is gay or lesbian. That is not the case and President Packer was only stating again what has been said many times before that marriage is between a man and a woman.
Now I understand why we were being instructed as we were. It's interesting to me that many times during our stake conference it was stated that they didn't know what was going to be presented during General Conference but that the men and women that speak are called of God.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
The Amazing Dr. H
Yesterday was our first appointment with the amazing Dr. H. To say we were impressed with him would be an understatement. As we were going over our medical histories and more specifically my previous medical records from other doctors I have seen in the last 5 years or so he was inquiring about medications that I had taken. One of these records was from when I lived in Arizona and the medication he asked me about I couldn't remember why I had taken it. He wasn't certain what it was- well he said he thought he knew but was surprised that it would be prescribed to me- so he looked it up. I know that probably seems like such a little thing but the answer to that one question led to him asking more questions that led to some more answers and additional blood work being done yesterday.
Dr. H was so honest but caring in his approach. He doesn't fill you with false hope but he is confident in his knowledge and abilities to help us conceive. I showed him a basal temperature chart that I had kept from another doctor I visited shortly after J.D. and I got married. Needless to say my body just doesn't function properly which means this chart is basically useless. When I showed it to Dr. H, I told him that is one of the reasons I threw my hands in the air and said to myself "I guess I just won't ever get pregnant because they can't seem to help me." His response put my heart at ease..."well they just didn't have the right tools or training." We spend nearly 2 hours with Dr. H, asking questions and getting general information about my condition and what we do next.
So yesterday I was like a vampire's victim but I survived. I think I counted right- they took 6 viles of blood. They also did a fasting glucose test so I had to drink this AWFUL thick, sweet, lemon-limey flavored stuff that the phlebotomist called "Glu-cola" which cracked me up because no "cola" I have ever tasted even the non-diet stuff tastes like this stuff. Two hours after our appointment I had to go back and have another vile of blood drawn...that's right folks...7 viles total in one day- I don't know how much that really is all together but when you see all of them sitting next to you and you know it is YOUR blood, it looks like A LOT!
So the next part of all this...I am taking medication now to help me ovulate like I need to (if that is too much for you readers to know, too bad, this blog is for me more than you and I want to look back someday and remember what happened to get my children here...fingers crossed.)
Anyway, I just got off the phone with the Dr. H's office and apparently I have hypothyroidism which means my thyroid isn't functioning properly which in turn can cause my body to not ovulate like it is supposed to. I am very hopeful this will be the missing piece in our infertility puzzle. I will be back to see Dr. H and/or his staff in the next month for some more tests to make sure that the medication is having the right effect and JD will have some testing done too before the end of the month.
It was so comforting to have J.D. with me yesterday. When we walked out of Dr. H's office he said "This just feels right!" It certainly does feel right- although honestly when I really start to think that this really could lead to us becoming parents I get a little bit overwhelmed and wonder if I am really ready for that and wonder if I am going to be a good enough mom. We will cross that bridge when we come to it.
This experience reminds me so much of talks from General Conference this past weekend. I recall several talks that we were counseled to act and not be acted upon. That is what I am choosing to do right now...be active in what is going on with my life and body.
Until next time...
Dr. H was so honest but caring in his approach. He doesn't fill you with false hope but he is confident in his knowledge and abilities to help us conceive. I showed him a basal temperature chart that I had kept from another doctor I visited shortly after J.D. and I got married. Needless to say my body just doesn't function properly which means this chart is basically useless. When I showed it to Dr. H, I told him that is one of the reasons I threw my hands in the air and said to myself "I guess I just won't ever get pregnant because they can't seem to help me." His response put my heart at ease..."well they just didn't have the right tools or training." We spend nearly 2 hours with Dr. H, asking questions and getting general information about my condition and what we do next.
So yesterday I was like a vampire's victim but I survived. I think I counted right- they took 6 viles of blood. They also did a fasting glucose test so I had to drink this AWFUL thick, sweet, lemon-limey flavored stuff that the phlebotomist called "Glu-cola" which cracked me up because no "cola" I have ever tasted even the non-diet stuff tastes like this stuff. Two hours after our appointment I had to go back and have another vile of blood drawn...that's right folks...7 viles total in one day- I don't know how much that really is all together but when you see all of them sitting next to you and you know it is YOUR blood, it looks like A LOT!
So the next part of all this...I am taking medication now to help me ovulate like I need to (if that is too much for you readers to know, too bad, this blog is for me more than you and I want to look back someday and remember what happened to get my children here...fingers crossed.)
Anyway, I just got off the phone with the Dr. H's office and apparently I have hypothyroidism which means my thyroid isn't functioning properly which in turn can cause my body to not ovulate like it is supposed to. I am very hopeful this will be the missing piece in our infertility puzzle. I will be back to see Dr. H and/or his staff in the next month for some more tests to make sure that the medication is having the right effect and JD will have some testing done too before the end of the month.
It was so comforting to have J.D. with me yesterday. When we walked out of Dr. H's office he said "This just feels right!" It certainly does feel right- although honestly when I really start to think that this really could lead to us becoming parents I get a little bit overwhelmed and wonder if I am really ready for that and wonder if I am going to be a good enough mom. We will cross that bridge when we come to it.
This experience reminds me so much of talks from General Conference this past weekend. I recall several talks that we were counseled to act and not be acted upon. That is what I am choosing to do right now...be active in what is going on with my life and body.
Until next time...
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