Grouchy!

Do you ever have one of those days where you wake up on the wrong side of the bed and no matter what you do nothing can change your mood? I'm having one of those today. I have continuously snapped at J.D. all day long... poor guy! I know I must be as fun as a porcupine to be around when my mood is like this. I know that's true because it has finally been enough and lets me know.

I'm still trying to figure out what is bothering me so bad that I just can't seem to shake this attitude. The only thing I can think is that I'm wishing this time in my (our) life away. I'm trying to be patient and understanding about our challenges and obstacles and dreaming of pitter pattering feet in our home but I have a bad day occasionally and last night it really hit me...sure I'll blame it on that.

IF I was to find a silver lining to a day like this...I get A LOT done because it usually means opening and closing doors and drawers and if I'm good and mad I can slam them.

Do I sound like I'm 5 and having a darn good temper tantrum...I feel like it when I act this way and it's enough already.

Here's to hoping that tomorrow is a better day and my husband can have his nice wife back.

What's up with us...

I can't believe that is already over half way through August and I will be starting school again next week. We have had a fun summer and spent time in both Southern Utah and Idaho with our families. The summer has gone by fast even though I spent most of the summer trying to get a job with Intermountain Healthcare. Since I was hired a month ago, I am a CNA in the Float Pool which means I work anywhere from LDS Hospital in Salt Lake City to Riverton Hospital- time has gone even faster. I am so grateful for my job and I am really enjoying it. I have met a lot of interesting people- both that I work with and take care of.
J.D. started his job as a faculty member at Broadview University in Orem. He is teaching a computer class this semester teaching a group of 17 students with varying experience using a computer. He is really enjoying it and he got some great feedback from his boss last week when she came in and sat in on his class. I'm so proud of him. There is a chance that he will be able to pick up another class next semester- if he does it is likely both with be programming type classes. He filled in for a friend of his that teaches at Broadview a couple of weeks again and loved what he was teaching.
He continues to enjoy his job at DHI in Provo. He has made many good friends there and he continues to be challenged- which he loves. I feel bad that I have no clue and can't understand the stuff that he does and he is so good at "dumbing it down" enough that I can understand what he is talking about. He is such a hard worker and I appreciate him and his patience with me so much everyday. I have been reminded in so many ways during this summer just how blessed I am to have this wonderful man to share my life with!

Life is busy! Life is great!

Until next time...

How to know your husband loves you...

I discovered this morning, once again, just how much my J.D. loves me. The poor guys woke up at 5:30 with a pounding migraine. I've had a migraine before-more than once in fact- and they are AWFUL! but I digress...

When my sweet J.D. gets a migraine it is the grandaddy of migraines. He can hardly move, has to have a pillow over his face to block out all light and have an ice pack over his eyes to help with the pain if at all possible. He laid there in pain for over 90 minutes until something woke me. It is NOT normal for him to still be in bed at 7 :00 AM. I asked what was wrong and he said he woke up with a headache at 5:30 and had been laying there since then. Poor guy!

He needed the ice pack from the freezer but didn't want to wake me up to get it for him...because I needed to sleep....while he was right next to me in pain and not able to move. He was suffering while I was sleeping soundly.

I just told a friend that I waited and waited and waited for J.D. and he was worth every minute of waiting...now you know why...

I love this man!

He is my hero!

I LOVE Summer!

There are so many things to love about summer. When I was growing up it usually meant work on the farm- which I hated at the time but have come to appreciate as I have gotten older. I can truly say I miss days on a swather on the farm- I had a nice tan by the middle of summer from being out all day, for weeks at a time. I miss the smell of fresh hay and the feeling of accomplishment at the end of the day when I was able to cut an 80 acre field (keep in mind that 80 acres on the equipment that they use now would be a TERRIBLY slow day). I am so lucky to live in Pleasant Grove where there are a few farms around still and I get to see and smell the process of harvesting hay. One of these days I'm going to get up the nerve to go knock on the door of one of these farmers and ask them if I can operate the equipment for them for a few hours to get my fix.
I also love being able to play in the dirt aka gardening. We planted our garden in late April- early May (I can't remember exactly) and it is really coming along. I am so glad things are coming up and doing well. I love the taste of fresh fruit and vegetables...mmmm! I love that the food you eat in the summer time is lighter! I could seriously eat melon salad all day, everyday! I am searching for recipes that don't require me to turn on the oven since it really heats up the house and who wants a heavy dinner in the summer heat.

I also love family reunions and playing together outside. We played our first round of golf of the year last weekend and had a great time! We enjoyed the game but afterward is where the real memory begins. JD put his wallet in my purse when we were out on the course. After the game we packed up the golf clubs and grabbed everything from the cart- or so we thought and decided to go to dinner. When we got to the restaurant and I reached in to give JD his wallet and I couldn't find it. I nearly dumped my purse out on the pavement I was so freaked out that it wasn't in there. Luckily my hubby has a cool head and called the golf course and asked them to check the golf carts and we drove back over crossing our fingers they would have found it by the time we got there. Unfortunately when we got there most of the carts were put away and they didn't have a wallet. Luckily we saw the guys that were putting away the carts and asked them if they had found a wallet on the golf cart...they looked confused but told us no....UGH!! So we were told we could take a golf cart and go out on the course and see if we could find it...so we did. Keep in mind that they had already turned on the sprinklers and if you have ever seen a golf course you know they don't use slow flow gentle pressure pop up sprinklers...they use something similar to the sprinkler head that my dad has on the ends of the pivot on the farm...LOTS of water comes out of those suckers and with quite a bit of power behind them. We got a little bit wet as we first got on the course and about hole 4 I saw one of the workers weaving through the golf course and it appeared he was chasing us...which he was. When he got closer I saw that he was waving JD's wallet in the air...HALLELUJAH!! I was driving and was so excited and just took of driving and trying to follow the worker since he seemed to know the way back better than we did. I wasn't paying attention like I should have been and drove us right through a sprinkler and we got wet...well wet doesn't quite cover it we were dripping, soaking wet! I don't think we have laughed that hard in awhile. We decided not to go out to dinner after that since we were so wet. We will get a chance again in a few weeks when JD's company party has a tournament...we are going to play with the same couple we played with last year....good times but hopefully we won't have a sprinkler run after the game next time.

Family reunions are the best...I LOVE my family and the fun we have together. My mom's family has had a family reunion for as long as I can remember and it is always so fun to get together every summer and see family that I don't ever get to see. It is so much fun. Each year a different sibling is responsible for planning the reunion so one person isn't responsible year after year. The food is always fantastic, the company is even better! Last summer we started doing a Sullivan family get together at my dad's place near Salmon. We spend the weekend together with my dad's sister's family including my cousin who flies in from Baltimore. We float the Salmon River- laughing and playing along the way and again lots of good food and just plain fun.

I hope you have fun plans for the summer and enjoy time with family and friends.

Until next time...

I've made a decision

I will not let infertility take over my (our) life. I don't want it to be the only thing we talk about or think about when we are together...or apart. I have decided that I want to enjoy our marriage and life beyond our desires to have a child. I yearn for a child to hold in my arms that I can call my own but if that day never comes or is postponed for a longer time than I think is fair, I will trust in a loving Heavenly Father that he knows what is best for our family. I will continue to pray for the opportunity to be a mother in this life and for guidance to help prepare our home when that day comes. I will find joy in this journey and not focus only on what we haven't been blessed with but with those things we have been blessed with.
I was also talking to a friend tonight and she was telling me a story about a family where the father had lost his job. The family had done fasts and prayed continually that he would be able to find a job but this family wasn't paying tithing. They were referred to Doctrine & Covenants 130: 20-21 about following the laws of God to receive his blessings. WOW! It occurred to me when I read these verses that I need to be doing everything I can to obey the laws of God so he can bless me. He loves me more than I can comprehend and His desire is only to bless me with all that I righteously desire but I MUST obey his laws. Thank you friend for this reminder as we talked tonight. Thank you for being the influence that you don't believe that you are. I am so grateful for friends that I can have these conversations with...that give me insight it may have taken me much longer to discover on my own.
I have been reading the past few days the blog of a girl that is my sister's age that is pregnant right now. She is on bed rest because there have been some complications with her pregnancy and they aren't even sure that this baby will make it even with bed rest. I have wept, as I have read her story. This girl has such amazing faith and an unbelievable attitude. She has started blogging each day about things she is grateful for...what a great lesson for me. I must remember to be grateful each day for all of those things that I have been blessed with. Today I am grateful for time. Time to prepare myself for whatever the future holds.
Until next time...

Old Timer wisdom

My cousin Duane posted this on Facebook and it seems like good advice to me. I'm grateful to have grown up in a small farming community where I saw this kind of advice put to use everyday. It seems to me I would have heard my grandpa Sullivan saying some of these very things, if I would have just listed to him...enjoy and learn!

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
Meanness don't just happen overnight.
Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
Don't judge folks by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life.. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none..
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around..
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.
Speak kindly. Leave the rest to Chance.
--
Don't pick a fight with an old man.. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.

And,

When you quit laughing, you quit living.

What is the (my) purpose?

It isn't news to anyone that may read this blog that I was single until I was 31...almost 32. I would be lying if I said I didn't go through times during my years as a young single adult feeling like a failure as a woman, unwanted, unloveable, etc, etc,- the list of negatives could go on and on. I would also be lying if I said I don't have great memories from my years in single-dom. I made my best friends during my years in YSA wards. I had an opportunity to accept a promotion at work and successfully operate a satellite office for Modern Expo in Phoenix, AZ without having to worry about it uprooting a family and many, many other experiences that I won't bore you with now.
I never gave up on the idea that I would get married and have a family. I met J.D. after I had decided I was going to just live my life and if the man I was going to marry showed up in the mix then I would accept it and be happy about it but I was going to L-I-V-E. I am so glad he did show up and we are happily living our life.
We took an institute class this semester and something the teacher said struck me- "Don't wish away this time in your life. Enjoy the moments you are in now!" I am definitely not the poster child for not wishing away the time of your life that your in...I did my fair share when I was single and I've done my fair share as we been trying to add to our family. I appreciate Sister Terry and her example and the candid way that she shared her life with us. She has amazing example faith and endurance through her trials and sharing the knowledge that she has earned through her trials.
I have really been wondering what my purpose of me being single for so long and having fertility issues is. I have been told in blessings that my experiences will bless others. This past week I may have seen that come to life and was actually aware enough to recognize it. I met with one of my friends to give her some books that I read about four years ago that helped me overcome the struggles I was having after a break up and following singlehood...again I had experienced. As I was talking to her it dawned on me that I was able to help her through my previous trials. I was able to explain to her that I understood how frustrating it was to hear married people say "you'll find him, just be patient" or "It's worth the wait!" (which is soooo is!) or "You have to let him pursue you...men like the hunt!" and many others. I can't tell you how many times I had friends or family say those very things to me who had been married since what seemed like forever and I wanted to punch them right in the mouth because THEY JUST DIDN'T GET IT! I now get it and I know all of those things are so true. It was nice to be in a position to give advice to a friend who had a hurting heart, who was having those same feelings that I remember so well from not that long ago. I know that sometimes you don't want someone to fix your problem but to listen and actually HEAR the feelings you have. I am so glad I was able to share my experience with her and let her know that she is loved and that there is a purpose in the experiences and trials she is experiencing and she will understand it someday and be grateful and it will likely make her that much more grateful for her spouse and won't take him for granted. I wish there was a guarantee that my friend would be able to get married and have a family, unfortunately life is not filled with guarantees and we are each here with different journeys that we don't always understand.
I know from this experience I am grateful for my life experiences thus far both past and present. I always remember to call my sweet husband after conversations like those I had with my friend last week and thank him for being such a great man, taking me out of single-dom and make him promise me that I will never have to go back to those feelings.

Until next time...