Broken

We are in the depths of IUI #3. Today, at this moment, I say it is the last one. We just got back from our first ultrasound- after 5 days of clomid and 4 days of Gonal f injections and all of the follicles (which I didn't ask how many she measured) are 10 mm or less in size. We need them to be at least an 18 mm to move forward. Thank goodness JD was with me and thank goodness I have learned to be able to control my tears of frustration with myself and my body until I am in the privacy of my vehicle or home.
I feel like my body, mind and spirit is broken. I have been hesitant to be outwardly hopeful or excited about this cycle after the miscarriage with IUI #2. I know this battle is worth it and I will come out a better person on the other side of all of this but today I just want to feel sorry for myself....and cry...and be angry...and unreasonable about the whole situation.
AM at Dr. F's office told me not to get frustrated with my ovaries because we know they work but they are just stubborn. I have always thought I was stubborn and my ovaries are showing just how much a part of me they are again....and again...and again. I just keep reminding myself that slow and steady wins the race- at least I hope that concept applies here.
Besides feeling physically and mentally broken I feel financially broken too. I was just saying to JD yesterday I would love if some of the money we are spending trying to get pregnant could be spent on buying things to prepare for the arrival of our children but instead I got to spend another $780 on medication today for five more days of injections...hopefully 9 days is our magic number this time.
Even though I do feel broken and want to hide in my house away from anything and everyone in my life I can't express adequate gratitude for the prayers that have been sent heavenward for us. My family, friends and co-workers- who are quickly becoming good friends- your thoughtfulness and support does not go unnoticed. I think sometimes I come off as very harsh when I get asked about what is going on or appear to not care much about the outcome of all of this. Please know I am grateful for your concern and interest even though I may at times seem distant.

Until next time...